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Eight Types of Gamers Dissected

Why 8? Because it’s arbitrary enough and in the spirit of being arbitrary and random, the following list will possibly contain no ounce of coherence, consistency or substance. You’ve been warned.

CASUAL GAMERS

Cheech and Chong’s alternate reality counterparts unwinding after a hard day’s work.

Angry Birds? Sonic Mobile? Generic FPS with wonky touch screen controls? Even more generic 3D racing game with lame stage design? It doesn’t matter. For the casual, content and depth take a backseat to simplicity and convenience.  The goal is to make those agonizingly awkward bus/subway rides from destination A to B pass as quickly as possible. Why interact with other people around you when you can gaze into a tiny 4 inch screen and squeal with joy and delight as you’re showered with virtual affection and simple melodies? Or maybe your thing are games on the Nintendo Wii? Nothing screams hip more than bouncing around like a clown emulating a tennis player or a hula hoop dancer. Look mom, no hands! Too bad you can’t do the same when you’re alone in bed.

Perk: Most games are cheap to buy. Require very little emotional attachment or investment. Considered hip and socially acceptable.

Con: Ironically enough, games can end up becoming even more addicting than their $60, hardcore counterparts.

ELITISTS

You’ve got exactly two seconds to tell me why you didn’t rush out with the rest of us.

AKA most PC gamers; although the two don’t always go hand in hand. Picture this: you’re online after a hard day’s work, just looking to unwind and engage in a few frag or raid sessions.  You’re just having fun mucking around with a rifle in Call of Duty or Counterstrike, or dungeon crawling and grinding it out in World of Warcraft, when all of a sudden  you start getting blasted left and right by several raging dudes on mics. So what happened? Did you fail at life again? No. That usually on happens at work. In this case, you just ran into elitists: guys more concerned with the end game than the game itself. It’s like scoring with a chick but only really looking forward to bragging about it to your friends afterward (this aptly describes most frat guys). Elitists are keen followers of the great Herm Edwards and his philosophy of playing to win the game.

Perk: You belong to a very minor group of highly skilled, highly specialized players.

Con: No one outside this group really likes you. Like no one. Including Herm Edwards.

GRAPHICS WHORES

What the heck are you supposed to be? A pink coffee table?

What? You can’t see those million imperfections in the character’s face, that blemish on her cheek, or those nose hairs sticking out of the old man’s nostrils? That’s it then, the game sucks. If the graphics say so, then it must be true. Who cares about gameplay? It’s all about having the prettiest tech demo disguised as a game. If your title uses cartoon style cel-shading, chances are it sucks. If your game uses 2D style hand drawn art, it sucks. If it contains too much gloss and looks all shiny, it sucks. If you can’t see a reflection of your ugly character’s face in the water when peering into a lake, it sucks. It’s either Crysis caliber graphics or bust in this case.

Perk: Hot female characters provide an alternative to watching porn.

Con: You’ll never get a girlfriend. As if you’d ever have one anyways.

OLD SKOOL GAMERS

You tellin’ me this was released after 1995? Get that garbage out of here before I shoot you noob.

If it didn’t come out before you were born, then it’s not even worthy of recognition. These gamers go on long diatribes about how the games of yesteryear were superior in every facet to the ones currently “poisoning and saturating” the market. Of course, what’s often ignored about those games is their low production values, their often horrible translation from a foreign language to English (“all your base are belong to us” anyone?) and their propensity to have the most simplistic plots in existence—ones so mind-numbingly basic that you’re left to wonder whether it was the work of a retarded infant chimpanzee on a worn out typewriter.

Perk: You get to experience the evolution (or devolution) of gaming throughout the years and be able to bitch and complain about it nonstop… and feel justified.

Con: No one under the age of twenty one (the majority of gamers) really cares about what you have to say.

CONSOLE FANBOYS

Oh my god… I just got ported over to the PC. My life’s over.

Still blissfully unaware of the awesome power of high end PC’s, consolites cackle with delight whenever a new game comes out looking like something the PC regurgitated back in 2006. They also boast about how their ultra-smooth gameplay is akin to a really fast slideshow and constantly rave about how characters walk as if they’re experiencing an epileptic seizure. Screen tearing? Check. Pop-ups? Check.  Simplistic to completely non-existent physics models? Check. It’s like getting laid for the first time to an ugly chick and falling in love with her, not knowing any better.

Perk: Don’t have to pay much to game. Simple to set up. Simple to get in to. Convenient. Money used to buy consoles usually comes from parents.

Con: That chick on the screen you’re fantasizing about might not be a chick after all.

HARDCORE PURISTS

A great warm up for the hands prior to exercising various other limbs.

The sworn enemies of casual gamers. Like Avengers vs Dark Knight fanboys. These types vilify anyone who simply games for the sake of having fun and vent their frustrations into altars containing burnt Nintendo Wii’s and numerous broken copies of Guitar Hero. To them, gaming is not about having fun, but rather a way of life. It’s a doctrine. In fact, one must suffer through various complex user interfaces, difficult and cumbersome game mechanics, even more difficult game controls, and be willing to read painfully long blocks of text in order to join this prestigious group.

Perk: You get your purist buddies to back you up during flame wars between purists and casuals.

Con: You get your purist buddies to back you up during flamer wars between purists and casuals.

COMPLETIONISTS

The culmination of all your hard work. Was it worth it? Hell yes. Just look at that golden chalice.

Every achievement. Every hidden coin. Every key. Every note. Every scroll. Every everything. Every. It’s a never-ending quest to pick the meat clean off the bones of all games offered. These closet OCD junkies are tough to classify and it’s often believed that the reason for their strange behavior can be attributed to two different reasons: 1. They’re unaware that other games exist out there and so they feel the need to absolutely scour every virtual corner of a particular title before even thinking about putting it away. 2. They’re too frugal to invest in numerous game titles and try and maximize their utility by performing repetitive and tedious side quests, all in the name of the hard to acquire 100% completion achievement. But in the end it’s all worth it because you get a Big Rigs style “you’re winner!” congratulatory remark.

Perk: All the achievements. You become so boss in your own little game world. And you’re winner! Who doesn’t want that? Maybe Charlie Sheen.

Con: You could’ve probably beaten several other titles in the span it took you to complete your trivial and completely frivolous feather quest collection. But the chalice! Look at that thing! It’s so pretty.

FANBOYS

Nobody flames Final Fantasy and lives to tell about it. Nobody.

Rising from the crevices of the darkest corners of the their parent’s basements, fanboys epitomize doucheness. If different gamers were awarded different grade percentages, fanboys would be at the very bottom of the rung, almost flirting with 0. These gamers (if one can even call them that) are more concerned with spamming message boards, spewing mindless drivel ad nauseum about how Uncharted is better than Halo or why the XBOX simply craps all over the Playstation 3 and the Wii is nothing but a gaming machine for infants. Fanboys spend so much of their time on these message boards that one has to wonder if they’re even gamers in the classical definition.  It wouldn’t be surprising if they curled up in bed at night with their unopened consoles and games, using Youtube as a source of gameplay reference when arguing online.

Perk: When it comes to annoying, you’re at the top of the ladder here. Be proud.

Con: If you find yourself sparking an interest in a rival game company, you’ll have to cheer for them from inside the closet.

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About pendrum

A paradox of eccentricity, graveness and apathy. Mix well, shake and serve hot.

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