Err… scratch that. Instead of referencing the popular Beastie Boys song, how about ‘No Sleep Till My Next Novel is Done’?
Yep, that’s the title and theme presiding over my life the past month or so. Can I blame that as being the sole reason for my sudden withdrawal from society and the newly invoked “social recluse” status? Probably not, but in the spirit of total randomness and the theme of unpredictability to kick off the new year, I thought I’d write about three totally unrelated (and just as equally random) topics to get this blog rolling again. The cobwebs have been allowed to hang around for too long, so piss off Spider-man, your movie wasn’t all that great. Come back in two years when you’ve stopped being such an emo bitch.
Random topic #1: People Who Ride the Bus
Ahem. Exhibit A. Take a look at the picture above you. Seems to tell a simple story: old lady on the right is pissed off because her day isn’t going so great. What’s actually happening: old lady on the bus was 20 years old when she got on fifteen minutes ago.
Seriously, every time I get on the bus, everyone looks like they’re coming from a wake–one likely hosted by Ebenezer Scrooge. It’s just a rectangular box on wheels full of the gloomiest looking people on the planet. And this is on a sunny day. When it’s raining or generally more miserable looking? Then it’s like Ebenezer announced that everyone would have to pay for the food and drinks.
I’m not suggesting the first decent looking woman on the bus get up and begin voraciously dancing around one of the poles in order to entertain the crowd (although I wouldn’t really have a problem with that, especially since a good strip routine causes you to lose all your day’s hard earned salary), all I’m saying is that the next time you turn to the person next to you, smile, and offer your hand in greeting, hopefully you get the same in return, and not an unexpected fist to the face, followed by a sexual harassment allegation. If you’re worried that you look like a pedophile and can’t pull this off as easily as some dude who looks like Brad Pitt, then you’re shit outta luck. In your case, just sit in the back and brood all by yourself. No one really wants to see your miserable face anyways, so save us all the trouble.
Random topic #2: People Who Resolve to Work Out After New Years
Yes, we all know them. You’ve probably come across one or two the past several weeks as they frantically gorge and indulge during the year’s dying weeks, before the all mighty call of the exercise hammer bears down once January 1st hits. Heck, you might even be one of them.
These people are awesome. They flood the gym during the first half of the month, motivated by inspirational–and disturbingly dated–Richard Simmons workout videos and success stories posted on Facebook or Reddit detailing a dramatic change in lifestyle. They may not even necessarily be fat, just simply out of shape (yes, you can be skinny and out of shape, just ask Steve Rogers before he took steroids–come on, we all know that’s what they were–and became Captain America). What’s great about them is that no matter how pathetic you might seem at the gym, you can take solace in the fact that for the next few weeks, you won’t be the dude who gets laughed at by the regulars for not initially understanding what “getting a spot” means. But like all good things, of course–including the first time you discovered masturbation and porn–the nirvana will end after these people realize that getting in shape takes a little longer than just a few weeks of body gyrations and they retreat back to their old indulgences, leaving you, once again, to become the sole laughing stock of the weight room.
Random topic #3: Method Writing
Yes, you’re reading that correctly. If actors can do it, then so can writers. J.D. Salinger and Mark Twain both talked about channelling the inner spirit of their characters to really get a feel for whom they were writing. Seemed to work for Salinger, who in his later years, seemed to turn into as much a weirdo as Holden Caulfield, but whatever. The point here is method writing is a technique more aspiring authors should seriously consider.
Writing a novel about a series of bank robberies? Don’t bother doing historical research, just go rob one for the true gist of it. Your book will drip of authenticity when you’re completing it in jail.
Doing a short piece on corruption? Just become a politician.
Considering a book about time travel? Simple, LSD is your friend.
By spending less time scouring boring pieces of questionable fact from Wikipedia, you can live the deeds you’re intending to convey in your novel. Who cares if you’ll end up in a hospital, or even dead? It’ll be so worth it.