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Iron Man Fail: Why Tony Stark Is A Fraud (And a Liar)

I’ve decided to come out of hibernation and post a new article (shocking, I know) in light of two recent events:

1. My recent viewing of the abysmal “Iron Man 3”.

2. The subsequent conversation/debate/argument/screaming match that ensued as a result with a co-worker the very next day.

Tony Stark, for his intellect pertaining to all things science, is an absolute idiot when it comes to one of the most fundamental laws of physics: inertia. You’d think someone of his calibre would know what this is, but no. It’s almost like this eccentric, womanising drunk decided to skip out on the one lecture that mattered.

Mr. Stark, I repeat: you are a monumental dumbass. Or at least, your writers (the same lazy hacks who just pretty much torpedoed your franchise after this horrible third movie) are for failing to understand a basic principal of physics.

“What the hell’s Pendrum talking about?” you might be asking. (Honestly, most of the time I’m not even sure myself but this time’s an exception.) I’m talking about how implausibility of the Iron Man suit, even within the realm of comics, due to the concept of Inertia.

What’s inertia? It’s an objects tendency to move if already moving, or remain stationary if already stationary unless subjected to an external force. “WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! ARRGH!!!!!! BIG WORDS! MY HEAD HURTS!” Okay, okay, in layman’s terms:

What'll hurt more: the fall or the guy's ego?

What’ll hurt more: the fall or the guy’s ego?

So basically it’s like this: if you’re moving and some shit pops up and forces you to stop very, very quickly (see above), then you’re gonna keep moving until something really, really hard stops you (a brick wall, the floor, some guy’s fist, a kick to the face).

Stark is a normal guy, right? He’s just a human in an advanced suit, right? Well unless that suit has foam padding that’s about 50 feet thick to minimize the moving object within, if he falls from a height onto concrete or gets hit by a tank shell (like he did in the first movie), he’ll pretty much turn into human paste inside his little piece of armor. Sure, we can assume the Iron Man suit is durable and can absorb damage, but what about the guy inside? I reiterate to Mr. Stark and his writers: what about inertia? Let’s try another picture:

One of those rare instances where a seatbelt won't actually help.

One of those rare instances where a seatbelt won’t actually help.

Memo to Tony (and his incompetent writers): Imagine the bike is the suit which you’re in. Now imagining crashing into something solid at high speed. End result? Tony’s body continues moving ahead and gets crushed into the front of the suit, along with his organs, bones and everything else in between. If Tony in the Iron Man suit slams into a concrete barrier at 200 mph, it’ll be like any normal guy slamming into a concrete barrier at… (wait for it) … 200 MPH! Epic fail, Tony. Epic. Fucking. Fail. And you call yourself a prodigy?

So the next time you’re reading or watching Iron Man, or any other interpretation of him, just remember that if there are any contrived scenarios that leave you thinking “Hey, wait! That doesn’t seem possible!”, it’s because they probably aren’t. If the scientist in you still isn’t convinced and wants to perform a test at your own expense (DISCLAIMER: I absolve myself of any liability by warning you ahead of time this isn’t the best idea), then just put a sturdy pot over your head and run as hard as possible into a brick wall. After waking up from your year long coma, if the ensuing brain damage hasn’t left you mentally challenged and incapable of basic cognitive function, then congratulations, you’ve proved me wrong! Except no, wait, you haven’t because you’ve likely dropped about 50 IQ points. Trust me, you have. You just don’t know it.

In closing, next time you see Tony Stark as Iron Man on the big screen or anywhere else, raise your middle finger and call him out on his bullshit. We all know he’s compensating for something anyways by always wearing that thing.

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About pendrum

A paradox of eccentricity, graveness and apathy. Mix well, shake and serve hot.

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