Gratuitous Indulgences
Contrary to rumors implying that the reason Half-Life Episode 3 is taking so long is because it’s undergoing a secret and lengthy conversion into what will eventually end up becoming Half-Life 3, I believe there are deeper reasons behind its delay.
The truth is Gordon Freeman these days has become so ensconced in his own hubris, even the mirrors crack out of disgust whenever he tries to look at a reflection of himself. Freeman’s absolutely lost sight of the initial persona that landed him acclaimed success. He’s now nothing more than a complacent gaming icon living off his previous accolades. Before Freeman became this:
Don’t make fun of my gun otherwise I’ll blow yours off
He was this:
Sorry, can’t talk! Got an important Dungeons and Dragons meeting to get to.
A simple man, not overly concerned with the superficial status symbols that govern today’s Hollywood saturated society. Freeman was a man of principles, originating from the humble grounds of Seattle, a community known for brewing amazing coffee and producing some of the most depressing rock music in existence. Hailing from a conservative family, Freeman grew up with little and turned towards academics very early on in his life, becoming fascinated at a ripe age with childhood idols Hawking, Feynman and Einstein. But despite his scientific dreams, Freeman (like most other males) was vulnerable to the temptations of the opposite sex. Years of feeble attempts at persuading women to check out his bulging brain ultimately proved to be fruitless and, after failing to get a single date for prom, so too ended his crusade of putting his “crowbar” to good use.
Life after high school wasn’t much better. His time in MIT was relatively uneventful. Aside from several failed attempts to bring validity to his theory of selective teleportation (he attempted to transfer the breast implants of several promiscuous women to various parts of the world), there wasn’t much to write home about. By the time Black Mesa came calling, Freeman—pent up with years of sexual frustration—was firmly indoctrinated into the world of the socially challenged men who often dated no one but their hand.
All right! Score! My fist’s agreed to go out with me! And we’re going Dutch!
For a time, the status quo and the simple mundane tasks he was required to do (which clearly justified the exuberant price of his highly specialized degree) were enough. But like Mother Nature’s desire to break through the man-made concrete soil covering nearly every inch of this planet by throwing out an earthquake every now and again to go along with its lava love juice, Freeman’s carnal desires ultimately crept to the surface as well.
Fed up, disillusioned and tired of society’s shit in general, Freeman did the next logical thing at a facility that dealt with the transportation of matter: he brought the shit to us in a misguided attempt to fight fire with fire. Of course, he never could have anticipated this:
A small sample of America’s currently unemployed labor force
And so began Freeman’s gradual descent into madness via his inclination to give in to his dark desires. Kill after kill, the once noble scientist became a callous murdering machine capable of registering no thoughts or emotions (as evidenced by his silent disposition throughout the entirety of the series thus far). Gradually, as his notoriety increased to near Chuck Norris status, Freeman realized that he needed to market his feats and with that came the advent of Steam, a simple service aimed at delivering digital content to the masses while subliminally planting “Gordon Freeman is the OWNZZERZ!” messages into people’s minds.
Now, seemingly fat and living off his once legendary status, Freeman has been relegated to nothing more than a mere pimp, auctioning off partner in crime Alyx for the weekend to the highest bidder in a selfish attempt to increase his net worth. For Freeman, it’s always been a numbers game, first from simple math, to advanced Calculus, to complex relativistic computations, and finally to the trafficking of female video game sidekicks.
No refunds. If you got a problem with my services, you can talk to my two associates here.
Somehow, when Alyx asked Gordon on that fateful night if he ever considered making her his, prostitution wasn’t what she had in mind. It’s a harsh world we live in but in this recession’s dire times, everyone’s gotta make a buck and for Gordon, who’s long forgotten what it means to produce a new quality title, pimping out substitutes has kept bankrolling the empire, allowing it to move along quite nicely.
Hey! What gives woman? I paid full price! You said anything goes remember?
So what does all of this mean? That we shouldn’t expect a new Half-Life title ever? No. It’ll come. We just gotta wait until Alyx can no longer work the corners effectively. Maybe then Gordon will finally get up off his entitled ass, fire up the old machine and start programming a new installment (without any illicit drug/human trafficking side games included).
Pendrum's Pit 
